The Crescent Moon


It was the day of the Crescent Moon. I opened my eyes and got a hazy glimpse of you. There were supposed to be two of you. You were the only one who had survived, they said. You looked petite, wrinkled and with your tiny eyes tightly closed you tried to snuggle into my arms. You didn’t look like me. It was your father you resembled. But yet where was he? I knew he wasn’t coming back! As you gently smiled in your dreams, I knew I was to take care of you.

You were tiny and yet a load of work. You were eternally hungry and ceaselessly dirty. I yearned for my good night’s sleep and laid-back days. I wanted to run away into the fields, climb green mountains, chase birds, smell the morning dew on leaves but I was fettered by your love and shackled in the hope of a better future and I stayed by.

When you took your first wobbly steps it was beautiful but when you stood for me, it was magical. They called me a ‘Bitch’ and threw stones at me. You stood up and growled. You were all of One but now full grown. As you chased them away, I gazed at your face. For fear of losing you, now I yearned to wrap my arms around you and hold you tight.

The Versatile Blogger Award !! Thank you !!


The Gothamite has nominated To Kill a Hamming Bird for the Versatile Blogger award and since I’m so new to blogging it means a lot to me . Thank you so much for this fine gesture!! Thank you, David (and I am sorry it took me so long to get to this post.)

Image

The rules for the Versatile Blog Award are :
1.Display the award logo on your blog.
2. Thank and link back to the person who nominated you.
3. State 7 things about yourself.
4. Nominate 15 other bloggers for this award.
5. Notify these bloggers of the nominations by linking back to one of their specific blog posts so they get notified back.

Seven things about moi? Here we go :-

1. I am this tall

hitler for height

2. I have reproduced twice

2eggs

3. I am far too chatty for my own good

chatty-woman

4. Sometimes I earn by writing for animated television series you wished your kids weren’t watching.

5. I am at times

easy_inflammable

6. and at times

Flammable….

7. Wait they both mean the same…so yeah I am pretty much that !!

And now 15 blogs I have nominated for this award :

1. Hyperbole and a half

2. Andrea Kruck Photography

3. Thrill seeking behaviour

4.Randomrings

5. Blank Canvas Living

6. 40 is the new 30

7. Crazy as Normal

8. Esvasa

9. Ben’s Bitter Blog

10. Mom in the Muddle

11. I am baker

12. Passionate About Baking

13. Every Useless Thing

14. Life on the Farmlet

15. Kindism

16. walk out walk on

Wow, I added one extra ;)

AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW, I AM MY HAIR


bad hair“Why don’t you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum”, all my growing up years I’ve heard my mom echo P.G. Wodehouse.

In fact, the most bewildering part of my childhood was spent trying to figure out why one needs to cut hair. I mean, if hair was supposed to be cut we would have been born without them. You even have “survival guides” in case of bad haircut. I say why CUT your HAIR in the first place?

bearHave you ever seen a Bear’s mom say to him, “Son its time for a hair cut!!” The hairy giant gets to roam around as scruffily and sloppily as he wants to. But, YOU try to do that and you are lured, hoaxed and even conned into getting a haircut.

One such fateful day ….

“Huh !!”, I woke up with a jerk. I shuddered as I found myself sitting on a huge wooden chair with a red shiny cloth clasping my throat. I looked like a monk in a red cowl.

Was I where I thought I was!?!

Was I where I thought I shouldn’t be!?!

How did Ma manage to get me here?

I tried to remember hard…

upload_BADAMI-BESAN-KE-LADDOO13101134221224 Laddoos, yummy laddoos!! Ma had made my favourite laddoos and I had hogged on them, not one, not two but SIX of them!!

While the laddoos sang their sweet lullabies, ma had taken me to Gulshan Chacha’s Beauty Salon!!

“Oh Ho ho!!”

I heard the forebodingly piercing voice of somebody from behind me. I knew in my heart that it must be GULSHAN CHACHA, the person I was dreading.  Before I could turn and see his harrowing personality, a giant hand fell on my precious tresses that I so treasured. Lock of my raven-black mane fell on my eyes eclipsing my vision.

“your Baby is very small baby, and look at her hair thick as a hedge. Not at all like yours baby,” said GULSHAN CHACHA.

“Gulshan Chacha, she refuses to let anyone touch her hair and so I decided to get her to you. I know you will do justice to her priced possession just as you used to do to mine when I was a kid,” said Ma with hope.

“Baby to tell you the truth, I do not cut hair any more,” said GULSHAN CHACHA sadly.

I heard GULSHAN CHACHA with a renewed hope.

“I have become old and can’t see that well, but, for you baby, I will cut baby’s hair”.

“What??” hollered I, “now a bat is going to cut my hair. How can destiny be so cruel to me??”

“Shhh, quiet, I don’t want Gulshan Chacha to hear you”, thundered Ma.

I was raised on a barber’s plank. I was mortified. As if getting one’s hair cut wasn’t bad enough, they had planted me on a plank drilling home the fact tat I was tiny for that humongous chair meant for BIG Girls.  Gulshan Chacha finally parted the hair curtain from over my eyes. I could smell dry heena on Gulshan Chacha’s hands. Heena smell always made me feel like throwing up. I shut my eyes tight. Even my smelly shoes smelled better than heena. What more could go wrong, I wondered.

Splash!! Out of nowhere a spray of cold water fell on my golden mane which funnelled every last hair down my neck. I felt as wet as an Otter’s pocket and had the urge to swim away, far away from the salon. As I sat there for the inevitable, I could hear the snapping of the scissors.

scissorsIt grew louder and LOUDER.

Closer and CLOSER.

“Are you ready babu??” asked GULSHAN CHACHA.

lady gagaNow only if I was Lady gaga, I would have screeched NO WAY!

I opened my eyes in tiny increments and squinted to look at ma, but her impassive countenance betrayed no interest.

The overpowering smell of the dry heena from the hands of GULSHAN CHACHA drew my attention back to him. He was holding my face and smiling. His golden teeth sparkled. In his other hand shone a bright sharp pair of scissors. The sparkling teeth and the sparkling pair of scissors gave me jitters. I twitched and jerked trying to get away from that stench and anything and everything that was going to touch my hair.

“Keep your head still, baby, or I might take your ear off”, said GULSHAN CHACHA as he drew his face closer to mine, “or even worse your eyes,” he said grinding his golden teeth.

barber hair cutGULSHAN CHACHA scared the living daylights out of me. But there was something overpowering his fear, it was the stench of heena. I wanted to push GULSHAN CHACHA away but was afraid if I so much as even twitched, GULSHAN CHACHA would cut off my ears, worse still my eyes.

The nausea in my stomach was rising. I was reaching the retching point. I could feel the six laddoos doing a salsa in my stomach. I could almost taste them on my tongue. My mind was running in circles.

The snapping of the scissors was growing closer. GULSHAN CHACHA was about to chop off my locks, when the stench of dry heena hit me hard. Like a morning glory the six laddoos found their way out.

I felt like a zombie. I was finding it difficult to see clearly through my vomit covered hair which was now covering my eyes.

But I could still hear voices, mixed voices!

‘What have you done’

‘arrey, somebody wash my face’

‘oh ho’ ‘I am sorry chacha’

‘take baby to some other place I am old now’

‘I am so embarrassed ’

I faltered and haltered towards the door and noiselessly slipped out of it. As I closed the door behind me, I looked at the clear sky and saw a kite soar. My heart too soared and my fears swayed away with the kite, for I knew it would be sometime before Ma mustered courage to take me again to a Beauty Salon.

My apologies to you if you are Gulshan Chacha and if you are not – how about Sharing this blog with your friends on Facebook !!

Did you like getting your hair cut as a kid  ? How was your experience?

 

Images Courtesy:

sophienettejc.thedeadone.net

www.clker.com

http://www.sanjeevkapoor.com

http://homegrownexplorers.blogspot.in

http://joeysrandomlife.blogspot.in

www.illustrationsof.com

DEATH AND FART COME UNANNOUNCED!!


fart survey

 Flatulence : also known as “farting” or “passing wind”, is the passing of gas from the digestive system out of the back passage.

Farting is universal and whether, you believe it or not, EVERYONE you know FARTS!!

 Your CAT

 cat farting

 

your milkman,

man farting

your friends,

friends farting

Your Girl Friend,

sophia fartingAnd you thought she was being seductive!!

 and…

santa-fartingWho did it?

AND

Einstein fartingAtomic Bomb is a myth!

AND

farted on ur page

EVERYONE!!

Including SUPERSTAR RAJNIKANTH !!

rajnikant-jpg His little Jig after he tooted!!

He once farted after a heavy meal, today the gas is known as Ozone Layer!!

 For mere mortals like me, a bout of flatulence can strike at the most undesirable moments!! 

 Like

 crowded metro

In a crowded metro…

 meeting

During a  meeting… OR

woman-farting-in-water-

 OR

yoga-fart

 Worse still in an elevator full of people!!

crowded elevator

 

 

 

 

NOW only if i had a

fart alert

BUT I DON’T

And so one fine day….

It all started with

 rumbling

I wretchedly clung to my world of bowels,

fart face

contracting every muscle I could exercise to hold it right in there.

I had to do something…I looked at the indicator, it said 4th floor. Why did I’ve to go to the 14th floor.

 I knew I was running out of time… I had to do something… The lift doors opened on the 5th floor.. I tried to push my way through the over-crowded elevator. But when you are five feet nothing, you learn an important lesson, that you are not God’s favourite child! I am conveniently shoved back by anybody and everybody who is 5 ft something.

 10th Floor. Just four more floors to go… I had to keep my wits about me … I had to concentrate…think of something nice…like..like… peanut butter…peanut butter is so yummy after all it is made of peanuts… Oh peanuts are so rich in fibre…too much of fibre causes gases…gases..gas..no no I had to think of something else before it was too late… .. I had to hold on….

 but then, out of nowhere it just happened….

 THISSSSSSSSHHHHH !!

 The lift stopped! Everyone looked at each other. I Gulped! I stared back at them! I was sweating! Anxious! Why was it so dark I wondered! Some smart ass read my mind and said what I was dreading to hear, “Looks like a power failure”.

 What? A power failure? A power failure is not unheard of in my part of the world…but TODAY… AT THIS MOMENT OF CRISIS!! I mean what the fart!! I should have just let go when the lift had stopped that noisily…but I was as late as my dead granddad’s dead watch!

I looked around…

faces…

bunch of stranger faces…

Will I meet them again…

May be they are just random people I will never get to see again!

then..may be not… may be one of them is a publisher, a dentist or worse still my daughter’s class teacher!

 By now I was sweating profusely… the pressure was building up…I felt, if i did not toot, i would burst into million zillion pieces. To toot or not to toot was the question…after all it was a question of life or death 

…because Death and Fart both came unannounced!

I said my little prayer and looked for signs that the god might be sending…  

signs

No I wasn’t smoking..

Eating NO WAY !! Give me a break !!

No photography

or Dogs either !!

 

Phew !!

 

 

 

I sheepishly looked around again… NO there was no

 no farting

 

 

sign.

 

 

 

 

No Sign was a good Sign! I looked around and saw this 7ft 100kgs man twitching his nose.. now, I am a learned woman and I know few symptoms of a man who is going to sneeze. Not just any sneeze, if you are 7  feet 100 kgs, YOU KNOW, HOW TO SNEEZE. I mean there is a mini tornado twirling in your nose. Come on, you got to throw it out with a BANG!

I noticed the twitching increasing… I knew my moment had come…

 Slow-Motion-Sneezing

It was just nano-seconds away..

 

 

 

I readied my self..

I counted

1…

2..

3…

GOOOOOOOO

choooo! THUD!  PPPPFFFFFTTTTT !!! 

It all happened… all too soon..the sneeze, the power, the toot…all at the same time…

 monkeys

I heard nothing bad, I Saw nothing bad and I smelt nothing bad!!

 

 

 I stepped out on the 14th floor, half dazed, half relived, half embarrassed, half liberated!

But since that day, I haven’t been able to get any of my books published ,  my cavity filling really stinks and I wonder why I am never invited as a parent volunteer in my daughter’s school!!

Images Courtesy :

1)     http://www.picgifs.com

2)     www.e-cigarette-forum.com

3)     www.empowernetwork.com

4)     http://www.desiproject.com

5)     http://navbharattimes.indiatimes.com

6)     www.thehindu.com

7)     www.istockphoto.com

8)     www.Abcnews.go.com

9)     http://marisaskitchentalk.files.wordpress.com

10)    www.mylot.com

11)     WWW.gospelaccordingtohate.com

12)    http://lostmyths.net

13)    http://www.quitor.com

14)    www.mylot.com

15)    www.smosh.com

16)    www.123rf.com

17)    depositphotos.com

18)    www.robotvsbadger.com

19)    www.ours-funarena.com

20)   depositphotos.com

Green Poop and Ham !


I have a dream… to run to the mountains a la He-man, shirtless, with an armour and scream, “By the power of the grey skull” followed by thunder and lightening, “I have the power”.

Image

 Image Courtesy:

http://koolkwotes.blogspot.in

      Truth be told, I don’t dream of it, I actually do it. Let me not get into my shirtless scuttles but none-the-less screaming is liberating. Whenever I run out of my pizzazz, I scream, bawl, and squeal for strength and sanity. I might not be saner by the end of it, but I feel liberated!

 Image

Image Courtesy:

http://e.businessinsider.com

Couple of years back when I was a mom to a 3 and 1 year old, I was mortified, humiliated, disgraced at a dinner invite at my husband’s friend’s place! No words spoken, no looks exchanged and yet it shook me. This house was my living nightmare… and if you are anything like me it was your nightmare too…

As we stepped into this immaculately clean, spotless house, I wished I wasn’t wearing a skirt and stepping on the Italian marble which gleamed and reflected everything that set legs on it.

Image

Image Courtesy:

http://www.marthastewart.com

     Now, the host’s immaculately clean house by itself was not a nightmare, till I looked into my husband’s eyes. His eyes were no more his. They looked as if they were possessed! Possessed by the impeccable neatness and cleanliness of the house, possessed by the aroma of the food coming out of the kitchen, possessed by a desire to have that neat and clean a house. Now, that my dear friends, is a living nightmare.

I took three deep breaths and convinced myself that perhaps their chickens had left the coop and so it was easy to maintain it. The rationalization had started to mollify me when their brood walked out of their rooms. In the most humble manner the 8 and 10 year old joined their hands in a traditional namaste. By now my senses had numbed, my legs were shaky, I was feeling giddy and almost fell at their feet. The kids jumped back and so I was tempted to touch the host’s feet. But she looked a bit sceptical too. I was so moved, that I had to touch somebody’s feet, so I touched hubby’s and pinched him. He gulped, squinted but did his best not to scream. I was finally appeased for I believed the pinching had snapped him out of his possessed look.

The kids looked at me bewildered. I must have looked like sullivan from Monster Inc. Bushy eyebrows, dishevelled hair and I might have been sporting a moustache as well. I looked at them and telepathically said, “Wait till you are a mother of 3 and 1 year old”.

Image

Image Courtesy:

http://movies.yahoo.com

 The kids quickly withdrew not wanting to have anything to do with the sulking monster me. I wanted to run to the host and ask her to give me her power as her la-di-dah house had sucked all of mine out of me!! But I was glued to my place, afraid; my maladroit movements might upset the sanctity of the flawless house.

Back home, as I cleaned the millions and billions of tit-bits, green poop and everything in the loop, I had this strong urge to go shirtless a la He-man and scream, “Give me the power”..but all I was left with was green poop and ham!